Babies
by hashtaghartwin
Summary: Each month, Kingsman agents are required to complete a random challenge. Last month it was stealth and thievery. This month's challenge involves working in pairs to take care of a fake baby that requires attention just like a real one. If it starts crying, you have exactly three minutes to stop it. Otherwise it explodes. Harry n' Eggsy V.S. Roxy n' Merlin. Who will be victorious?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

* * *

"Alright then, your turn to pick this month's challenge, Lancelot," Merlin said, holding out a top hat with slips of paper inside. She took a step forward and plunged her hand into the hat, rifling through for a moment. The sound of ruffling paper was the only thing that broke the tense silence.

"Today, Lancelot, if you will," Harry grumbled.

"Alright, sorry," she replied, withdrawing a folded piece of paper. She bit her lip, unfolding it and reading out its contents. "Challenge B4BI35."

Merlin entered the code into the computer. A long passage of text appeared a moment later.

The four of them- Eggsy, Harry, Roxy, and Merlin- read it silently.

_Challenge B4BI35- Operation Babies:_

_Team challenge: PAIRS_

_Duration: DEPENDENT_

_Skill set: TEAMWORK_

_Instructions: Agents will be divided into teams of two (2). Each team will receive one (1) baby and one (1) parenting kit, which includes the following items:_

_-one (1) bottle_

_-clothing_

_-diapers_

_-three (3) toys_

_-ten (10) jars of baby food_

_-one (1) baby pram _

_Agents are to act as 'parents' to the baby, and will decide among themselves how to take care of said baby. Agents are to use proper parenting etiquette. The goal of this challenge is to outlast the other teams until only one team is left remaining. Said team wins the challenge. _

_BABY:_

_The baby requires attention and care, just as any human baby. The babies are designed in a specific setting. They react to attention and care, and similarly, to mistreatment and neglect. If the baby is not cared for properly, it will trigger a switch and cause the baby to begin crying. 'Parents' are required to figure out what is causing the baby to cry and quickly fix the problem. A microchip in the baby's forehead will record the number of times this occurs, as well as the amount of time the crying ensues. The faster the problem is fixed, the better. In the event that the baby cries for more than exactly three minutes, the baby will explode, therefore eliminating the baby-less team. As mentioned before, the last team standing wins the challenge. _

"I can't pick again, can I?" Roxy asked weakly.

"Sorry, Lancelot, no," Merlin responded, forehead creased.

"Well, then, let's choose teams, shall we?" Eggsy asked cheerfully, rubbing his hands together in delight.

"Erm, I actually have a rather large stack of paperwork in my office that-" Harry began.

"No can do, Arthur," Roxy cut him off. "You know the rules."

Harry muttered something underneath his breath.

"Alright, Lancelot, pick a teammate," Merlin continued, holding out three cards, each with a name on the back. She thought for a moment, fingers levitating over the cards, before picking the middle one.

"Merlin," she read out, grinning a bit.

"So guess that means Harry's with me, yeah?" Eggsy asked gleefully. Even Harry cracked a smile. "No offense, but we're going to cream you guys."

"We'll see about that," Merlin answered, determination evident in his voice.

"We certainly will," Harry shot back.

"Well then, let's get started, shall we?"

* * *

**For Stacy. Inspired by a Home EC assignment I had to do last month- each pair got a baby and we had to take care of it for three days straight. Exact same idea minus the exploding bit. **

**There will be Hartwin. And Roxlin. And babies. If you know what I mean. ;)**

**LEAVE A REVIEW PLEASE! **


	2. Chapter 2

Aha, here we go. Sorry 'bout the delay. Exams and stuff. Enjoy!

* * *

**DAY 1:**

* * *

"This is ridiculous," Harry muttered. "Simply ridiculous." He stared at the life-like baby being held up to his face by an equally ridiculously happy looking Eggsy. It had a curl of light brown hair and big blue eyes. Harry noted that it looked suspiciously like Eggsy, though he wasn't sure how that was possible.

"Don't be daft, Harry," Eggsy scolded. "It'll just be like taking care of Daisy, right? My little sis."

"Of course," he replied sarcastically.

"Don't be such a spoilsport, Harry. It'll be fun taking care of the baby."

"I'm rubbish with children."

"That's too bad, innit?" Eggsy sighed, adjusting the baby's position in his arms. "I think you'd make a great father, really." Eggsy smirked when the tips of Harry's ears turned a bright cherry red.

"Erm," Harry choked.

* * *

Roxy awoke to the sound of wailing. Dazedly, she tried to figure out what and where the awful sound was coming from before it hit her. Panicking, she sprung out of bed and rushed over to where the life-sized baby lay in the baby crib. She picked it up, cradling it in her arms for a moment. The wailing did not cease.

"Goddamnit," she hissed. "Stop crying!"

"Lancelot?" a muffled voice called sleepily.

"Merlin!" she cried. "Merlin, it won't bloody stop wailing."

There was a bang followed by hurried footsteps. Merlin appeared in her bedroom, rubbing a welt on his forehead. He scowled, rushing over to her and lifting the baby into his arms.

He patted its back, bouncing it lightly. The crying quieted slightly.

"Shhh…" he hushed it gently, pressing its body to his chest. The crying stopped. Roxy sighed in relief, smiling. Merlin placed the baby back into the crib before glaring at her. She stopped smiling, biting her lip. But then the ridiculousness of the situation hit her again and she began giggling. A few moments later, Merlin was evidently fighting the urge to grin as well. He shook his head, turning around.

"Good night, Lancelot," he muttered over his shoulder before heading back to bed.

* * *

AN: Each chapter will contain one POV from Team Hartwin and one from Team Roxlin. Next one is already written, will post soon!

THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS AND STUFF


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

* * *

"Mm, that's a good girl," Eggsy cooed, spooning baby food into the baby's mouth.

"Since when has the baby been a girl?" Harry asked wondrously. Eggsy pouted.

"Since always." Eggsy scooped some more food out of the jar. "Holly likes her mash warm, by the way," he added.

"Holly?" Harry questioned. "Since when has a fake baby needed a bloody name?"

"Harry," Eggsy scolded. "Language."

"Oh, pardon me," Harry said with an eye roll, especially considering the fact that it was coming from _Eggsy, _of all people. He couldn't help but stare as Eggsy continued to feed Holly, smiling and mumbling nonsense to the baby. It was quite adorable, actually. Not that Harry would ever admit it.

"Anyways, like I was saying. She likes her mash warm, and you have to alternate between three spoonfuls and a sip of milk- warm, obviously."

"Christ," Harry responded, blowing air out of his mouth. "You're taking this seriously."

"Well, excuse me, sir, but has Holly cried even _once _yet?" Eggsy asked proudly.

Harry had to give him that. It was true.

"Alright, then. Holly likes her mash and milk warm, alternating between three spoonfuls and one sip," he said with a small smile. The grin that Eggsy gave him made it worth it.

* * *

Roxy woke once again to the sound of crying. She groaned. The crying was softer this time- the baby was in Merlin's room tonight. The two of them had decided it would be in the baby's best interests if they moved to adjoined rooms, and so each night they alternated having the baby in their rooms.

"Damnit Merlin, make it stop," she muttered into her pillow, hoping that the man would be able to quell the bawling so she wouldn't have to get out from underneath the warm covers.

"Lancelooot," he hollered. "It's not stopping!"

"Shit," she swore. She threw the duvet off herself and scrambled into Merlin's room. She stumbled through the dark, nearly crashing into him. Her eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness.

"I tried the usual, but it won't stop crying no matter what," he explained anxiously. "It's been a minute and ten seconds already."

"Oh god." She took the baby into her arms, rocking it gently. The crying didn't stop. "Um, what do people usually do when the supposed to be sleeping baby won't stop crying?"

"Sing," he uttered suddenly. She gave him an incredulous look.

"No!" she exclaimed. The crying became louder. "I mean, no," she said, softer.

"Lancelot, you have one minute and twenty seconds left."

"Alright, alright!" She bit her lip, holding the baby closer. She took a deep breath and began to sing.

"_Golden slumbers kiss your eyes,_

_Smiles await you when you rise._

_Sleep,_

_Pretty baby,_

_Do not cry,_

_And I will sing a lullaby._

_Cares you know not,_

_Therefore sleep,_

_While over you a watch I'll keep._

_Sleep,_

_Pretty darling,_

_Do not cry,_

_And I will sing a lullaby."_

The crying abolished within seconds, and became a happy gurgling. Merlin stood, rooted to the spot, watching Roxy. He was mesmerized, hypnotized, dazzled, entranced, enchanted, spellbound… all at once. Her voice was pure and sweet.

"Well," she breathed as the silence stretched on. She met Merlin's steely gaze. "That's that then."

"Ghm," he choked. "Ahem." He shook himself out of his daze. "Right. Nice work, Lancelot."

"Merlin," she stated. He raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Why do you always call me Lancelot?"

"What?" he asked.

"I mean, like, you always call Eggsy… you know, Eggsy. Even though he's Galahad." She looked up at him, her silhouette barely visible.

"Oh." He pretended to think for a moment, buying time. He wondered if he should tell her the truth. He decided she deserved it, considering that if it hadn't been for her, his room would have been blasted to smithereens by now. "Well, you see, Lancelot-"

"See, you did it again!" she murmured. He could hear the smile in her voice.

"I did, didn't I?" he answered mildly. "Well… your name is… special to me, I guess," he admitted. He was grateful for the lack of light to disguise the heat creeping up his neck. She was silent for a moment.

"Okay," she finally whispered.

"Okay? That's it?"

"Yes." She handed the baby to him and turned on her heel, heading out of his room. "Goodnight Merlin," she called softly.

"Goodnight, Roxanne," he replied.

She froze, a hand on the doorframe, before giving him a cheeky grin and disappearing around the corner.

* * *

haha I found a mistake and edited it. sorry. :P

i love you all. i swear on my life i haven't forgotten about you. thank you so much for all the harassment to write another chapter. :))))))))

this is a ridiculous story but it is my baby. it is literally named babies.

xoxo


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

* * *

"How's Holly doing?" Harry asked, strolling into the room.

"Good, as usual," Eggsy replied happily.

"Can I help with anything?"

"Actually, if you could take her out for a walk in the pram…"

"Done," declared Harry, scooping the baby into his arms. The two met each other's gaze, before Eggsy looked away, cheeks turning a rosy shade of pink. Harry hid a smirk.

"Just thought that Holly should spend some more time with both her parents," Eggsy managed.

"She's spent too much time with her mummy, I think," Harry added.

"Hey! Since when have I been the mummy?"

"Since always," Harry answered before wheeling the pram with Holly bundled inside out the door.

* * *

"Hey, Merlin… I think I know why the baby's always crying at night," Roxy announced just as he was tucking the baby into the crib in his room.

"Hm, why then?"

"Well, I was spying on Eggsy, and well, their baby sleeps with them during the night. It's very cute, actually. Him snuggling up with it at night. Sometimes Harry sleeps beside him as well." She grinned at that. "He's quite smug about it."

"I wonder how many times their baby has cried," Merlin said offhandedly.

"Well, I expect that Harry's rubbish at the parenting thing," Roxy replied. "So at least a few times."

"Our baby's only cried six times so far, mostly at night, right?" Roxy nodded. She blushed slightly at how easily Merlin used 'our baby'. She scolded herself for being so silly. It was a challenge, nothing more.

"It's cuter than Eggsy's baby," she remarked, gazing fondly at the little plastic head.

"It is, isn't it?" Merlin agreed.

"It, it, it. I think it's a _he, _actually."

"I think so too," Merlin said, nodding seriously.

"What should we name him?"

"Wilbur." Roxy gaped at Merlin.

"You _must _be joking. Wilbur! Ridiculous."

"Fine," Merlin harrumphed, crossing his arms over his chest. "What do _you _think we should name him?"

"Colin. I love that name," she sighed dreamily. "Or maybe Oxford? Ah, no, Cambridge. What about one of those American uni's? Harvard, maybe. Oh, I like that. Or Yale, perhaps? I know, Stanford!"

"Erm…" Merlin trailed off, momentarily at loss for words at her inner scholar obsession. "I think we should stick with Colin."

* * *

Colin. for colin firth. obviously. that man isn't just sex on legs, he _is _sex on legs. not that that's creepy or anything. actually on that note i had a dream the other night where eggsy goes "oh my god roxy look how hairy my legs are" and then she looks and his legs are two harrys and then i woke up...

thank you for all your squishy feelings and comments. i love them. very much. xoxoxoxo


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